Bumper Cars
by awordful
Summary: They were always crashing into each other but then there were moments when they stood still... a look into my favorite Owen/Cristina moments
1. Ceiling Fan

CHAPTER ONE: Ceiling Fan

Recommended Song For This Chapter: Fly Down by Stephen

* * *

Cristina groaned as her alarm went off for the third time. She was tempted to press snooze but she forced her legs out of the warm covers and slammed her hand over the off button. She glared up at the ceiling and the now bladeless ceiling fan. She could not describe what possessed her to take her fan apart. It was not like Owen was here. What did it matter if the fan has blades or not? It made no difference to her.

 _One day he'll come back_

She knew that part of that statement hinged on her letting him come back. For the first week apart, he was cold and ignored her as much as possible. He was ashamed and scared. Cristina discovered that he was seeing a therapist when one of the psych nurses let it slip. But the silence ended with 'take care now'. They weren't the exact words but she knew after that day that he loved her. And it was cruel. No- torture, for the universe to force their lives to collide then rip them apart.

 _How's it going with your shrink?_

She still cared. And it killed her to still care. She tried not to let the dying teenager's voice infiltrate her head. Dana and Owen were not the same person. And Dana died, so it wasn't like their story was perfect. Cristina and Owen's was definitely not. Yet, when she felt his hand sliding down her arm, trying to comfort despite the callouses and the war wounds… She wanted to fall back into him. Would it be so wrong? But she had to hold herself up. She refused to be hurt again. She refused to ever see his face crumble like it did after the choking.

But he was just so damn irresistible especially when he was being a trauma badass and saving little children. It had been so long without his touch and she was dying to reach up and feel the scruff that used to leave delicious burns on her skin. She had snuck down to the pit today to see him, even though she had not been on his service since the incident. She observed him casually leaning against the ER nurses station, instructing the residents in the pit today. She wanted him. Damnit.

 _He's got issues._

Meredith didn't have to tell her twice. Cristina knew intimately about his issues. The man had not contacted his mom in all the time he's been back. He seemed to think it was because he needed to go back. She wanted to scream at him for being such a reckless heroic idiot. But she couldn't. What place did she have to tell him what he needed? She saw him. He was not okay. He was scared. But he was also passionate and true despite all of these things weighing down on him.

 _See me._

She met his eyes and for a second time stopped. "I don't want you to die." She shuddered at her own honesty but played it off as the cold wind's fault.

"Come with me."

And she couldn't refuse.

She climbed into his blue pickup truck like she did for so many days when they were together. She filled the silence with his Jimmy Hendrix CDs.

* * *

 _Who is this?_

Owen's mother was a kind woman. Her silver hair suited her pale complexion and blue eyes. Cristina introduced herself and it did not help that Owen's eyes were the exact same blue.

"Cristina Yang. I work with Owen at Seattle Grace."

Cristina's mother smiled and welcomed her in. The house was small and cluttered with picture frames and magazines, but the house struck Cristina as having more warmth than her California mansion. In the living room, Owen's mother took her place in a fading armchair while Cristina and Owen sat on either side of the matching couch. The set up felt oddly like couple's therapy. There was a permanent dip in the middle of the couch, no doubt from Mrs. Hunt sitting in that spot so many nights to watch television. Owen and Cristina found themselves sliding into the center of the couch and had to adjust themselves so they remained at a respectful distance.

Cristina felt uncomfortable watching Owen's mother break down at his stories of the before. The loss of his team. The choking. She excused herself to the restroom and lingered in the long hallway. The walls were filled with pictures of Owen, and presumably his sister, when he was young. She found herself smiling at the six-year-old Owen decked out in his baseball uniform, then the thirteen Owen looking bored in a family wedding photo. There were pictures of his father here and there, but they seemed to drop out as Owen got older. The last photo on the wall was Owen in his army uniform next to his sister who was also wearing an army uniform. There were less lines on his face. He was smiling boyishly at the camera with his arm slung lazily over his sister's shoulders. She had not seen that smile except for the moments when she would roll on top of him in the morning and smile suggestively. Or that moment when he left her sitting on the exam table after kissing her. It was strange to see him so free.

It was a couple of hours and a full dinner later that Owen and Cristina finally left Evelyne's home.

"You're always welcome here." Evelyne said kindly before embracing Cristina again. They were about the same height but because of Evelyne's slight hunch, Cristina had to bend her knees to properly accept the hug. She inhaled the woman's old woman perfume and tried to smile. She was not used to this kind of maternal treatment and she never was one for hugging.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hunt. It was great to meet you." Cristina replied.

"Thank _you_ , Cristina. Thank you for being there for Owen." Evelyne said squeezing her shoulder.

When they broke apart, she met eyes with Owen, who was looking at her softly. She melted under that look. He knew that this was hard for her. The socializing, the smiling. Pretending to be his girlfriend. She found herself taking his hand as they walked out and enjoyed his touch.

* * *

The drive to Cristina's apartment was silent. She was exhausted and tomorrow she had the early shift. She practiced her rounds in her head until Owen broke the silence.

"Do you need me to pick you up tomorrow or-"

"No. I'll get a ride from Callie" said Cristina carefully. She watched his face fall a little. She turned her gaze forward and watched the car pull up outside her apartment building. There were a thousand things she probably should have said in that moment. But all of them either sounded like things he didn't deserve to hear or things he already knew.

Turning towards him she said- "I'm glad you saw your mom."

"Me, too."

"I'm glad-I'm glad I got to meet her." Cristina continued watching his face. "Owen-"

She was cut off. His lips were on hers and she had actually forgotten how good a kisser he was. She found herself responding despite her better sense. And she almost lets those three words slip out. The break apart and Cristina lets her hand rest on his cheek while his hand caressed the back of her neck.

"I want to move forward." He whispered moving his eyes up to meet hers. She doesn't respond. She doesn't know how to. She had no answers. This was too much. He pulled himself back into his seat then unlocked the door. She stepped out onto the street, face still flushed from his kiss. She tried to smile in spite of herself and waved goodbye to him.

 _I love him._

She thought helplessly to herself.

* * *

Thank you for reading!


	2. The world was grey

CHAPTER TWO: The world was grey

Recommended Song For This Chapter: Medicine by Broods

* * *

Cristina's body still shook with fear even though it had been hours since the shooter was removed from the hospital. She was huddled next to Meredith by Derek's bedside. She watched her hands shake in her lap. She always had steady hands. It was what made her a brilliant surgeon. Yet for the life of her, she could not imagine ever picking up a scalpel again. Meredith had her arms wrapped around Cristina's torso and would squeeze from time to time. The two women did not talk. Cristina could not help but think of Owen, who probably had no one by his bed as he recovered. Teddy was at Seattle Pres monitoring her heart patient. Owen's mother was still an hour out if she even knew what had happened.

Teddy and Owen got out. They were in surgery when it started but they somehow escaped with their patient still alive. Owen came back. Cristina had been so mad at him earlier that day. Furious. Cristina knew what she wanted. She wanted Owen. She loved him and he always pretended like she didn't. So she spelled it out for him and watch his indecisiveness play out on his face. It defeated her. His hesitation, his doubt, his denial made her sick to her stomach. So she removed herself from the equation. No matter how much she loved him she could not let herself become undone.

 _But he came back._

The world had gone grey all except the one detail she couldn't figure out. Why did Owen come back? Was it just foolish heroism? The world was grey and this was the last thing she was holding onto. She was being dignified and keeping herself at a distance. Not too long ago she had broken up with him. But once a shooter comes through the door, dignity goes out the window.

 _That is the woman I love. You touch her, and I will kill you!_

Had he meant it? Or was he just being overdramatic?

Meredith started to snore against Cristina's neck. She slowly pried her friend off her as gently as possible and laid Meredith's head on her side on the couch. She looked down at Meredith's stomach. The stomach that once held a child in it. Medically speaking, the miscarriage was due to stress and the mother's "hostile uterus" but on another level- the baby was just another victim of the shooter. Cristina glanced at Derek's stats to make sure everything was holding steady. The old Cristina might have been gloating or punching the air. She had pulled off a cardio surgery entirely on her own and saved the beloved surgeon. It was a miracle.

Jackson Avery peeked his head in. Cristina nearly jumped out of her skin at his sudden appearance. She tried to mask it as a hair flip, but Jackson still looked apologetic.

"How is he?" whispered Avery.

"He's doing fine." Cristina said quietly. They both watched the heart monitor jump up and down. She could feel Jackson about to speak. Probably to compliment her or comfort her. Either way. She didn't want it.

She beat him to it: "Jackson, thank you. I could not have done it without you. I'm serious. I couldn't have-I could barely think straight" she felt herself start to shake. In a corner of her mind, she was still there. Frozen over Derek's body with the smooth gun pressed to her temple. She wrenched her mind to the present.

"Nah. It was all you, Yang." Jackson said soothingly. He tentatively wrapped an arm around Cristina, and she returned the gesture halfheartedly. This man was not Owen. But he saved her life and she owed him forever.

"I think you've earned the right to call me Cristina. If you want." Cristina said pulling back.

Jackson smiled.

* * *

Cristina stepped out of the room, leaving Jackson to monitor Derek. She knew where Owen was. She overheard April telling a nurse to send painkillers down to him in the trauma recovery wing a bit ago. She walked down slowly and deliberately, acutely aware of her heartbeat hammering inside her chest. She could hear her breathing and it sounded like a hurricane. Everywhere she walked, she imagined the shooter waiting. Lurking behind a corner.

 _He's gone. He's not here._

She reminded herself of this reality the whole way down to the trauma wing, repeating it like a mantra. She stopped outside his door. She had no idea where they stood. Just hours ago she was breaking up with him. But the next thing she knows he's back and taking a bullet to save everyone including her. How can she make rational decisions when he keeps being a damn hero all the time?

He stirred and found her in the doorway.

"Cristina?" he croaked.

She approached his bedside slowly and watched his vitals beep monotonously.

"You're okay." she said to no one in particular.

"It was through and through. Kepner and Grey did a good job."

Cristina said nothing.

"Cristina."

"What?" she sighed.

He just looked at her, eyes searching her face for signs of pain, which were everywhere.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you. You were so-so brave. I can't imagine what-I don't want to imagine it. I love you. I love _you._ " He sounded so sure. He tried to use his far hand to reach her and he winced.

"You're on a lot of pain medication." said Cristina dumbly.

" _I love you._ I can't- _I won't_ live without you."

He was being dramatic. And if this was any other day she would have teased him even though she loved the corniness. But his words worked on her aching soul and she wanted tell him to stop. She felt tears leak out of the corner of her eye.

"Cristina." he moaned. "Please. I'm trying to say… Cristina."

She walked around to the other side of the bed and took his hand. It was real and warm and there. She looked at him.

"You came back."

"I came back _for you_."

He exhaled as his eyes closed. They stayed like that. Him squeezing her hand. She had so many things she wanted to say to him, yell at him, scream at him, but the only thing that came out was-

"I still love you." she said quietly. She was not even sure if it was actually her saying it. But Owen was here. He was her anchor, keeping her from drifting away.

* * *

Thank you for reading!


	3. Maybe Salvation

CHAPTER THREE: Maybe salvation

Recommended Song For This Chapter: Salvation by Gabrielle Aplin

* * *

"Do you really want to marry me?"

It was two in the morning. Owen had just slipped under the covers from his night shift, trying not to wake Cristina.

She had taken the day off after her incident in the OR yesterday. She felt like a battered barbie doll. A toy filled with stuffing. The shadows in the apartment tormented her all day, confining her to the bed. All day she let her mind work on wedding plans, as it was the only thing that distracted her from the flashbacks. She knew the wedding would be small. She would not be wearing white. But she would walk down the aisle. She would listen to the scripted vows. She would get married. And all day she wondered how she would do any of those things while trapped in her bed. How would she stay present long enough to say "I do". How long would Owen stick around until he realized he no longer loved this woman.

 _The shadows laughed..._

"Do you really want to marry me?"

"What kind of a question is that?" Owen responded turning to face Cristina. She hugged her knees closer into her chest. She felt so tiny next to his relaxed form.

"I don't know." Cristina said defensively. "Nevermind. Go to sleep." She groaned rolling over. She was tired. She was dull. She did not feel like Cristina Yang, the woman who Owen had wanted to marry.

"Cristina… what is this?" Owen tried again. She heard the sleep in his voice as he fought to stay awake. Her eyes burned with shame.

"I just- I want to know why." Cristina mumbled.

"Why does anyone marry anyone, Cristina." Owen sighed.

"I don't know." Cristina rolled to the other side to face Owen again. "I don't know why anyone would want to marry _me_."

Owen turned his head to look at her, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"You can't be serious."

Cristina huffed. "I'm not a cardio god anymore." It hurt to say it out loud. But it was true. She lost the magic. "I'm not anything." She felt the weight of that statement press down on her. It suffocated her.

Owen did not respond at first. He turned his head back to the ceiling. Cristina thought he may have fallen asleep. She felt a strong urge to wrap her arms around him, her body, her whole self. He was warm even on the other side of the bed. He was real. She resisted touching him for fear that he may disappear if she did. She looked past her head and the shadows mocked her.

 _Maybe..._

"Do you want to marry me?" Owen asked. He turned completely on his side. The dim light coming from the street lamps outside made his hair look golden. She focused in on him. He opened his mouth to speak again but stopped when the apartment door opened up and a tired Callie stumbled inside. He waited until they heard the door click signaling that Callie was out of earshot.

"I know when I asked you-you were scared of being alone. I don't want you to marry me because you're afraid. Yes, getting married is scary. It is for me, too. But... I need this-I need us to be real, Cristina."

"I am afraid." Cristina admitted. She watched his face line with hurt. "But you're the only thing I'm not afraid of anymore. And I think that's scarier."

He reached out a hand and encased her cheek in his palm. She scooted closer to his touch but kept her arms wrapped tightly around her legs. They did not speak for a while. Both of them weighed the other's admission. Why were they getting married? Maybe this was just a huge disaster waiting to happen.

 _Maybe it's my salvation._

Except the idea that marriage would save her scared Cristina more than anything else before. It was not just the trauma of her previous almost-marriage that caused the reaction. But the idea that Cristina Yang- someone who never came off as the marrying type would ever ever ever consider marriage as salvation.

 _I want to be simple._

She did not change herself. It was one of her rules. But the shooting, the PTSD, it was changing her without her permission. And now here was an open door. Maybe her only chance to find happiness, even though it may be in a tired, artificial institution. One could become two. Husband and Wife. That would be Owen and Cristina. There was such a finality, an infinity to the idea she nearly choked. She took a deep breath. She felt her lungs inflate and then collapse in her ribs. She felt her heartbeat struggle in her chest.

 _I want to be simple._

"So-" whispered Owen "what do we do?"

Cristina tried to analyze the options like she did for anything ever in her life. The parts of her brain which used to be in control turned slowly in her head.

 _What do we do?_

She was wasting away before her very eyes, helpless to her own pain. How could she subject Owen to that torture? But looking at him now. Looking at her. He was not seeing a ghost or a corpse. She could choose this. She could do something. She felt her need for him down to her bones.

She loosened her grip around her legs and let them straighten onto the bed. They were sore from being held together for so long. She reached over onto her nightstand and picked up the ring. When she first received it she barely even looked at it. When she took it off before work yesterday, she noticed that it was the engagement ring Owen's mother had once worn. Cristina was not one for jewelry, but the ring seemed perfect. It was smaller than the one Burke had given her. More humble and warm. A small round diamond sat in the center wrapped in gold which snaked all the way around and split into two at the other side. It looked like a stethoscope. The real treasure lay below the band. A small smattering of tiny diamonds decorated the sides of the coil. She picked it up now and jammed it on her left ring finger. And looked at Owen.

"Cristina… " Owen started out, his eyes wide.

"I'm saying I want to… if you want to. I choose this."

Owen grinned from ear to ear. She said nothing.

 _Maybe it's my salvation._

"Are you going to ask me?" he teased.

"Do you really want to marry me?" Cristina repeated her question from earlier.

"Don't say it like that" Owen chuckled.

"Ugh." Cristina flopped her legs and arms open dramatically. She flipped over on top of Owen's chest looking up at him. "Owen Hunt, will you marry me?"

Owen chuckled.

"Yes."

"Even though I'm a nutcase?" Cristina said seriously.

"Yes."

"Even though I'm a defective surgeon?"

"Yes."

"Even if I have a breakdown and make us move to a deserted island?"

"Yes." Owen said smiling. "Cristina-"

She cut him off. She kissed him with everything she still had left in her. He was laughing and she could feel the vibrations through his entire body.

* * *

Thank you for reading! All of your reviews are much appreciated :)


	4. Firehouse

CHAPTER FOUR: Firehouse

Recommended Song for This Chapter: Sticky Leaves by Linying

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hi. This is Dr. Cristina Yang. I met with you earlier today-"

"Dr. Yang?"

"The appointment was under the name Hunt. That's my… my husband's name." Cristina clarified. The word husband still felt strange on her tongue.

"Oh yes." The realtor exaggerated the yes, clearly remembering Cristina's rudeness from this morning.

"The firehouse- I want to buy it."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Excellent! I'll just have you come down and sign some papers and we'll be good to go. Though… you didn't seem to like it during the tour. May I ask what changed your mind?"

"I liked it." Cristina replied shortly.

"Alright." sighed the realtor. Cristina knew she should feel bad, but she did like it. Even though this morning she was barely paying attention, but she dwelled on the matter all morning and arrived at a decision.

 _I don't care where we live_

"So can I come by in a couple hours?" Cristina asked.

"Yes- that will work perfectly. Will your husband be joining you?" asked the realtor hopefully.

"No." Cristina replied quickly. She was not oblivious to the effect Owen had on other women, especially a woman as bland as this relator. That was rude. A woman as _nice_ as the realtor.

Cristina's lip curled in distaste.

"I'll be over in a couple hours." Cristina repeated and hung up.

Cristina didn't do surprises or big gestures. But she was starting to feel guilty. The firehouse was the sixth property she and Owen looked at. Every time Cristina would find something wrong with the house or apartment and send the relator back to the drawing board. She suspected the relator's growing affection for Owen stemmed from pity for him and dislike for Cristina. Owen was equally enthusiastic at every property, which was not helpful. He would not be discouraged by Cristina's dourness, and Cristina wish she could say thank you. But she could hardly touch her feelings these days.

They desperately needed their own place. Not only was the apartment becoming more crowded with Arizona staying over, the nightmares were horrible, and Cristina suspected that a change of scenery would help.

Owen rounded the corner just as Cristina hung up and noticed her quickly walk away. She knew he would be hurt by her elusiveness but hopefully the apartment buying would clarify her strange behavior.

"Cristina!" Meredith shouted from down the hall. Cristina stopped her fast walk and waited for her friend to catch up. "What's the big hurry?"

"I'm avoiding Owen." Cristina said resuming her walking.

"Why?" Meredith asked suspiciously "What has he done now?"

"No, nothing like that." Cristina waved her hand dismissively. "I just- I have a surprise for him."

"You're pregnant." guessed Meredith.

Cristina scoffed. "No way! No it's the apartment we looked at this morning. I'm buying it."

"You said that it was dark and dingy."

"It is. But- It's… I don't know. It just seems like the right place."

"Aw…" teased Meredith

"Anyways. I'm not telling him I'm buying it until after I buy it."

"I'll keep him off your tracks." Meredith assured Cristina.

"Do you think I should get something- I don't know- flowers or something."

"For what?"

"The surprise. I want it to be… special. Or whatever." Cristina groaned.

Meredith smiled at Cristina.

"What?" Cristina said stopping her walking.

"You've changed."

"Yeah- I can't operate anymore." Cristina bit.

"No. I didn't mean it like that." Meredith laughed. "It's just you never do anything thoughtful."

For some reason that hurt Cristina to hear. Yes, she was never the most aware of other people's feelings. And she wasn't good at romantic stuff like Owen was. But she wanted to be better. Did that make her a weaker person? Did that make her soft?

 _A woman as nice as the realtor_

"So tell me what to do!" Cristina exclaimed.

"Owen's a guy- he doesn't need chocolate and roses. Get him some nice champagne or whiskey… oooh you have to do it, too- or else you won't really be moved in."

Cristina snorted.

* * *

 _Come to the firehouse. Don't ask questions._

She imagined Owen staring at the text in confusion. But she knew he would come. The man loved a mystery.

While she waited she explored the rest of the loft. She really had not been paying attention. The firehouse was much larger than she noticed this morning. Her old apartment had crappy lighting that threw shadows on the walls. In the firehouse, the large windows were baked in golden light from the street below and made the entire loft glow. Cristina decided the bed should be situated right underneath those windows. Of course she didn't bring a bed. She threw a sheet and a comforter down on the floor. She imagined where the closet would be, the sofa, the TV. She stopped her planning when she walked by the firepole.

Cristina stared down the pole. She touched the cool metal. She bit back the flashbacks and jumped. For a single moment she was flying. The wind rushed through her air and she closed her eyes. The weight that had been pressing down on her for the past few weeks was blown off, left behind.

Then it was over.

Cristina's feet hit the ground and she looked up the firepole. She walked up the stairs and slid down the pole again and again. It was like the vent. Somehow it cleared the debris. It grounded her.

* * *

Finally, she heard Owen pull up outside. She peaked out the window. She smiled. His hair was deliciously ruffled from a long day at work. She tried to smooth down her curly hair but stopped-

 _What am I doing?_

Cristina dropped her hands feeling stupid and vain. What did it matter how she looked? She bit her lip and listened to the door open and shut. She quickly picked up the champagne bottle rearing to pop the cork.

"Cristina?"

"Welcome Home!" Cristina shouted and haphazardly poured some champagne into two plastic cups.

"I don't know what to say…" Owen said confused.

"Our house has a firepole." Cristina replied. "What else is there to say?"

Owen still looked confused. Cristina felt frustrated her plan wasn't working as she expected. She knew she didn't do romantic things but Owen didn't seem even surprised. He seemed cautious. Like she was going to have another breakdown. Couldn't he see that this was the exact opposite of a breakdown? It was clarity.

"This morning you said-"

Cristina interrupted him.

"I don't care where we live. But you do. You love this place." Cristina looked around the barren loft.

 _You love this place_

 _And I love you._

It was a fact. A simple A+B=C sentence.

She giggled as his face started to brighten and his eyes widened. He was speechless. For Cristina, this was a grand gesture. It was the best 'thank you' she could give him. A thank you for standing by her, for listening to her, for holding her. For being her husband. She knew it can't be easy for him to watch as she scrabbled at the edges of her sanity. But he was still there, still loving her as hard as he could. And it drowned her and she needed it.

* * *

Thank you for reading!


	5. Dark Side (Part One)

CHAPTER 5: Dark Side (part 1)

Recommended Song for This Chapter: _Shelter by Birdy_

* * *

After the abortion, Owen drove Cristina to Meredith's. He didn't ask. And Cristina took that as her dismissal. She wanted to go home with him, kiss him, and somehow fix everything. She was frustrated at life itself, for handing them such a crappy hand. Because she could not hate him. He _knew_ her. He understood that this was who she was and that was so much worse than before. Because the resentment in his eyes had nothing to do with him not understanding or being confused, it was him resenting _her._ She remembered the way he begged her to see him. Begged her to understand his dark side. And she did, even when it wrapped its hands around her throat. Even though it hurt her. Now this, this was Owen understanding her. He was seeing her dark side and it was killing him. It was a dealbreaker. The end.

She didn't get out of the car. She could feel the huge wall that separated her and Owen. There was no outside party that was making him hurt like this. It was all her.

 _Do you see me standing here?_

She just sat there and cried and she thinks that he was crying too.

"I wish I wanted what you want." she says quietly. "Owen. Please. I'm so-"

"Cristina. Don't say anything. Just don't." he asked his voice cracking.

She unbuckled and opened the door. The cold air sucked all the heat out of the car. This was them. She hesitated. Then got out. She took one last look at him in the car. _He can't even look at me,_ she thought bitterly.

She slammed the door shut and watched him drive away. She let the tears fall in earnest now. This was wrong. This was wrong. This was wrong.

 _I'm losing him._

Eventually, Meredith came out to drag Cristina into the house. Her person said nothing while she made Cristina some tea in the kitchen.

"What happened to me?" Cristina groaned.

"You can't change what you want, Cristina. And he should know this." Meredith said gently. But what did Meredith understand. She was a good mother, a good wife. She had something Cristina would never have.

"He does know. And he loves me anyways. And it's killing him." Cristina said brokenly. "He came to the appointment with me. He held my hand. But it was like- it felt like every cell in his body was disgusted by me."

"I'm sorry, Cristina." Meredith said handing Cristina her tea. The two friends sat in silence. The house was empty.

"I'm going to bed." Cristina announced.

"Okay. I'll be upstairs if you need me." replied Meredith.

* * *

The following weeks were not any better. There was no contact between them. Cristina barely saw Owen due to various cardio assignments and a slow lull in the pit. Teddy was blissfully unaware of Cristina and Owen's issues. Today, Cristina was performing a valve repair with Teddy.

Cristina was glad to be in the OR. She could turn everything off. She was desperate to reaffirm why she chose her gift, her career, herself. Her hands worked their magic on the patient's heart, successfully bringing it back to normal function. She watched it beat steadily, unapologetically. She envied its simplicity. The human heart had one job. To beat. And to keep on beating. But even that went wrong sometimes.

"Excellent work, Cristina! Would you like to close?" Teddy interrupted her thoughts.

"No. I'm going to scrub out." Cristina said stepping away from the table. Teddy watched her leave, confused by her behavior. Usually, Cristina liked to see the patient all the way through to the end. Teddy instructed Lexi to close up and followed Cristina into the scrub room.

"What's up, Cristina? You never leave without closing?"

"I've got to pick up Zola from daycare and get her home. It's late." Cristina replied lamely.

"Okay. It's just- you seem-I mean you did great in there but you weren't your normal self. Please. Let me help." Teddy offered.

Cristina turned off the tap and reached for the towel beside her.

"Is there something going on with you and Owen? Is it-Cristina, you can talk to me"

"You can't help." Cristina said harshly before stalking out of the scrub room.

Teddy did not follow her.

* * *

Cristina changed out of her scrubs quickly and made her way up to the daycare to fetch Zola. That's when she saw him. He was on the first-floor nurses station filling out some paperwork. His face was deeply lined and there were dark circles under his eyes.

 _Do you see me standing here?_

She continued her path up the stairs well aware that his eyes were probably following her. When they were just getting to know each other it was thrilling to feel his eyes on her. She loved to tease him and steal glances when she knew he was watching. Now she could not even meet his gaze. When she finally looked back he was gone. She checked out Zola from daycare and headed to the parking lot.

"How do I fix this Zola?" she said absentmindedly. The baby had no idea what she was talking about.

She drove Zola home and let the baby play with a plastic mobile while Cristina ordered some food. She collapsed on the couch feeling dizzy. The OB said there would be some mild side effects from the abortion. Her mind replayed the events of the last few weeks, trying to connect the pieces into a narrative. But there were so many gaps and miscommunications. Angrily Cristina thought to herself that Owen should have known that she didn't want kids and should not have been surprised when she had an abortion. But Cristina had no idea he wanted a child so badly. He never said it, not once until Callie had her baby. The way he looked at Sofia was full of longing and curiosity. How did that face become the look of hatred he wore when he yelled at her to get out?

Meredith came home a couple hours later. By now it was dark outside. They both enjoyed the pizza at the kitchen counter once Zola was tucked in and fed.

"I need to do something, Mer. I can't keep-I just need to do something."

"I know. I hoped Derek was coming home today. He came to see me in the locker room and I was so sure he'd-but he was just reminding me that Zola is his for tomorrow."

Meredith smiled sadly.

"He'll come around." Cristina said looking at her plate.

"Owen will, too."

"I don't think he will." Cristina lamented.

"Despite everything he's done to you. He does love you very much and he's never been able to stay away before."

"That was before I disgusted him with my not wanting kids."

The two women sat in silence contemplating their crumbling marriages. Meredith was never a huge Owen fan. The choking, the fights about Teddy, and now kicking Cristina out of the house. But despite everything, Cristina knew that Meredith understood what it was like to love someone and need someone the way she needed Owen.

"I'm going." Cristina said decisively.

"What?" Meredith asked confusedly.

"I'm not going to let him avoid me. If he wants to end things or get a divorce then he'll have to tell me that to my face."

"Well do _you_ want a divorce?" Meredith asked raising an eyebrow.

Cristina bit her lip.

 _Of course not._

"No. But if that's what he wants… I've hurt him enough."

"Cristina-" Meredith warned "he hurt you, too. He bullied you and shamed you."

"But now he's not doing any of that. He's not fighting me. He's given up." Cristina replied. She walked into the living room and picked up the clothes lying on the couch and shoved them into her bag. She could hear Meredith mustering up another retort, probably something about how she can't apologize for who she is and she can't change herself for him. "Meredith please, be on my side. Be on Owen's. What do I do?" Cristina implored.

Her best friend hesitated. "Cristina I can't tell you what-"

"If this were you and Derek… I'm not ready to lose him, Meredith. Please." Cristina asked once again.

"House of candles." Meredith said quietly.

"I have to build him a house of candles?"

"No. Not exactly. Just something. A big grand gesture to remind him how much you love him and how much he loves you."

Cristina had no clue what that would be but didn't ask Meredith for another piece of advice. Meredith had moved her focus to Derek. She slung the bag over her shoulders and opened the front door.

"Ok. I'm going." She said with a sense of finality.

"Okay… well, you're always welcome to sleep here if house of candles doesn't work." Meredith said sadly.

"Hey." mustered Cristina "McDreamy will be back and I don't want to hear him bitching about me sleeping here."

Meredith laughed weakly.

"Bye, Mer." Cristina said swinging a leg over her motorcycle.

"Call me. If you need anything or... yeah." Meredith smiled hugging her arms to her chest.

* * *

She pulled up to the firehouse and shut her motorcycle off. She could see a dim light still shining in the upstairs window. He was probably just getting ready for bed. He'd be picking up things off the floor, although now that she wasn't there maybe he didn't have to. The ride over gave her time to think. She didn't make houses out of candles or buy red roses on a Monday. That was Owen. Cristina was gruff and awkward. But she loved when Owen would bring flowers or when he would surprise her with a soapy bath when she got home. The dirty talk when they would have sex, and the mushy 'I love yous' afterward. It was those things that were his house of candles. So she kept thinking when she realized. The vent. The declaration on the vent that changed everything. It was all those times he pushed her away and she refused. It was when she bought the firehouse for him and he was speechless. It was three little words she said rarely but always made Owen melt to the floor.

She unlocked the door and padded up the stairs as quietly as possible. He was waiting for her. Standing behind the counter defensively.

"What?" He said as soon as she reached the top. "Do you need more clothes or something?"

"You don't get to ignore me." Cristina asserted.

"I need space. I _deserve_ space." Owen glared.

"You've had space. Weeks. Look, if you want to give up… that's fine. We'll get a divorce. But if you don't want to give up-" her voice caught in her throat. He was looking at her warily. She took a breath. "If you don't want to give up, then don't give up."

"It isn't that easy." Owen said his hands running through his hair. He always did that when he was frustrated.

"Do you want to get a divorce?" Cristina asked plainly, hiding her fears.

"I-" He hesitated. "No. I don't want to." He sighed.

 _You give in a marrige. You make sacrifices._

"Then," Cristina searched for the right words. She took a step towards him and he took a step back. She sighed frustratedly. "Then talk to me. Be with me."

"I can't talk to you!" bellowed Owen suddenly. "If I talk to you I'm going to say things that I'll regret. And I don't want to hate you but I feel-I'm so- I don't hate you. No matter how much I can't hate you!" he ran his hands through his hair again. He turned away from her.

"Owen."

"You hurt me, Cristina." He spat.

"I know." Cristina said quickly. "I didn't think you'd want this so badly."

"I'm hurt about the… the abortion… but I'm also hurt that you didn't tell me before you made the appointment. You didn't want to hear my opinion. I either had to accept it or not."

Cristina said nothing. She was becoming defensive but she pushed the retorts down. He was right. She didn't tell him. She knew what he would say so why tell him? Why fight about it?

 _You don't give a little on a baby._

"You know why I was excluded?" Owen demanded bitterly "I think you thought that I would have stop you. That my wants and my needs would be enough to stop you from aborting our _baby_!" His voice escalated with every word. He turned to face her. Face red and tortured. "And I get it. You-you are meant to be a surgeon before anything else. I get it. I love that about you. But I thought- I _stupidly_ thought that maybe you'd love me enough…" he couldn't continue. He sighed exasperatedly.

Cristina set her bag down letting the thud fill the silence.

 _Do you see me standing here?_

"Why aren't you saying anything?" Owen demanded.

"I was mad at you." Cristina said quietly. Taking a step forward. He flinched but did not back away. "I thought you didn't understand me. I thought you were trying to turn me into this-homemaker and I couldn't believe it. So I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hear it. I was wrong for doing that." Cristina said seriously. "I'm sorry."

Owen walked away from the counter and paced in front of the couch. Cristina turned to watch him.

"You do that. You assume you know everything and you make decisions for us. You were selfish. You were cruel. You were unfair. You did the same thing when you tried to sell me to Teddy for surgery. And you did it again."

Cristina winced at his harsh words but did not fight them. She needed him to say these things. She needed to hear him.

"I want to be better." Cristina said hopelessly. "I don't want to hurt you like this."

"I'm trying to tell myself that I mean more to you but this… I never thought this would happen to us." Owen sunk down on the sofa and put his face in his hands. "You need to go back to Meredith's. I can't do this today. I can't."

Cristina refused. She approached him slowly. House of candles. Everything on the line.

"Hate me as much as you want. As much as you need to. I'm not going to run or break or lose it." She sat down next to him and pushed his hands away from his face. He was forced to meet her eye. "You can hate me. But you don't get to push me away just like I don't get to push you away." She remembered his words for that night. He forced himself into her life and refused to be moved for surgery and Teddy. She had to do the same in this moment. Even though it was hard and she didn't understand what was ahead. She gripped his hands fiercely in her own.

"Hate me but don't you dare give up. Because _I love you_. And I'm going to keep loving you because that's all I can do. I can't breathe without you. You mean everything to me. _I love you._ "

Owen said nothing. They both breathed and let the tears fall.

* * *

Thank you for reading!

I have loved reading all of your comments. Keep 'em coming! I make an effort to write as close to the character as possible while also providing new insight into the missing Crowen scenes.


	6. Dark Side (Part Two)

CHAPTER 6: Dark Side (part two)

Recommended Song for This Chapter: Forest Fires by Axel Flovent

* * *

They were supposed to over this. On the other side. Happier. But currently she was lying in bed alone and she kept her eyes closed so she could pretend he was there next to her. They were supposed to be over this. She had nothing left. No cards left to play. And she couldn't stop herself from thinking over and over…

 _He is never coming back._

Cristina decided to be angry. Because the alternative was too much to bear.

" _Fine. I can't make someone stay"_

And that was the end of it. She was a surgeon. And that meant that she didn't feel anything when her husband ignored her. She didn't feel anything when he didn't come home. She didn't feel anything. And that is what made her excellent. Brilliant. The best.

 _He doesn't even notice me._

Valentine's day was approaching and April had the entire emergency room decked out in hearts and teddy bears as if that would help the patients feel any better. Cristina growled under her breath as the radio played yet another sappy romance song. She had no time for romance. No stomach for it.

 _Do you see me standing here?_

"Hey," Alex walked up to the nurse's station next to Cristina. "I thought Kepner was supposed to put the valentines day garbage away." The nurse at the phone simply shrugged. Alex saw Kepner flit by and yelled after her- "Hey, I thought Hunt told you to stop with this sappy shit."

"It's _Valentine's Day_." April replied indignantly.

"Why do you care? It's not like you're getting any." Alex countered.

April just glared and continued on her way. Cristina groaned.

"Fuck Kepner." Alex said sympathetically.

Cristina didn't reply. The pit was moving at a glacial pace. Owen had purposefully not given her anything to do, and with Teddy dodging her pages, Cristina had no choice but to choose between two evils. She asked him, as the chief, to get her back on Altman's service and he responded so stoically, and so nonchalantly she nearly screamed. Teddy was the one thing he could hold over her and he just handed her the position without any fuss at all. It was more painful than the fighting. She was a surgeon. She had no feelings yet she wanted to punch someone.

 _Do you see me standing here?_

The noises around the room seemed to climax. The sappy song on the intercom. The phone ringing. The ambulance screeching. Glass breaking-

 _Do you see me standing here?_

There was no doubt in her mind. She was going to die. Cristina watched as the out of control truck crashed through the double doors and barreled towards her. If the impact didn't kill her, the shards of glass flying through the air certainly would. She didn't run. She couldn't. Her feet were cemented to the ground. She was a surgeon. She didn't feel anything. There was no moment where her life flashed before her eyes. No moment where she recalled her biggest regret. She had no thoughts at all.

Through the noise, she thought she heard her name being called. By Meredith. By Owen. But they were miles away. She hoped that when she died it would be quick. And neither Meredith or Owen would have to endure the pain of holding a loved one's heart in their hands. Feeling her heart stop.

 _Do you see me standing here?_

She took in one more breath. It's all she had time for. The truck was so close she could feel the air moving to accommodate it. She saw the driver in the front seat eyes wide. The door frame was splitting open. Cristina felt her arms go up, as if they would protect her.

 _And then-_

In the blink of an eye she was on the floor. The noise descended on her in full. There were sirens, and yells. The rubble was settling. She was flat on her back. She gasped. Her lungs filled with air almost in surprise. Like they didn't expect to function again.

Owen was lying on top of her. Holding her for the first time in weeks. And it was strange that it happened now. And she was so overwhelmed by his touch, she had to catch herself from crying. Owen started to stand. Cristina held onto him and let him pull her up. She wanted him to hold her. Didn't he understand what almost happened? There were so many things that she should be saying but she could barely breathe. Her back hurt.

"You ok?" He asked quietly. Almost tenderly. She stopped herself from crying again.

"Yes."

"You sure?" He followed up. Cristina met his gaze. She scanned his face which was flushed. His brow knit together. Maybe it _had_ affected him.

"Yes." Cristina replied earnestly. She squeezed his arms and noticed how skinny he felt. How skinny he looked.

He seemed like he wanted to say more. He tore his gaze away and stood quickly. He had a whole staff to check on. Cristina watched him go blinking back hot tears. This was so stupid. She can't want him like this.

Meredith descended on her asking her repeatedly- "Are you ok? Are you hurt? Cristina? Cristina!"

"I'm fine. I'm fine." Cristina said quickly. She stood and took in the scene. The truck, which you could tell was carrying flowers due to the explosion of petals and water everywhere, had destroyed the door and the nurses station and took out a column inside of the ER. Cristina dove into the passenger seat to check on the driver, who was impaled by several pieces of glass. She was a surgeon.

* * *

The day kept getting better and better. After the excruciating surgery with Teddy and Owen, Cristina literally beat back April who insisted they all wear light up heart pins on their white coats. She headed for the elevators thinking of the quiet on-call room on the fourth floor which was always empty.

" _I'm moving out."_

The day kept getting better and better.

" _I'll be at my mom's until I figure something out."_

Cristina clutched the banister. She could not stop the tears from falling. He sounded constricted, tortured, but he did not turn around so she could see the honesty, his true feelings. So, she would be damned if he knew her true feelings. She didn't say anything as she tried to get a grip on her emotions. She crossed her arms in mock indifference.

Technically he had already moved out because he hadn't been home in weeks. But somehow when he said it- it became real. And it suffocated her.

 _How did I get here? I am Cristina Yang._

"Ok?" Owen asked. He wanted confirmation. He wanted her to tell him it was ok. Or tell him it was not ok. But Cristina was not a beggar. She was a surgeon. She was- The tears were falling in earnest now.

"Ok." She said as neutrally as possible and she watched him nod then depart. She wished he would turn around. Wished he would see as the doors closed how much this hurt her. But he didn't. And she couldn't help but think that this was the last memory of him she would ever have.

 _Hate me as much as you need to._

Was that the wrong move?

* * *

Meredith was in surgery. Cristina knew she would be on her own for this. There was no one she trusted to see her like this. She was not supposed to cry over a guy. She was not supposed to beg him to stay. She could not do that ever.

 _What now?_

How could she break through to him. They had cut open the patient but now had no way to stop the bleeding. She thought that she made it clear-she wasn't going anywhere. But what do you do when the other person throws the towel in anyways. She had no right asking him to stay with her. Not when everything they did seemed to push them apart. Not when they both were terrified to admit… the abortion… Henry… their shadows grew.

 _What now?_

"I am done with him." Teddy announced. She plopped down next to Cristina on the empty gurney on the 4th floor.

"What? Owen?" Cristina snapped out of her thoughts. Teddy hadn't talked to her for weeks. It was strange seeing her undone like this. She came to find Cristina, the woman who killed her husband.

"How can he think that we would ever, _ever_ be friends again?" Teddy exclaimed.

Cristina could think of a million reasons. She knew what Owen was thinking. She had been so frustrated at him for the past few weeks, unable to break through or find any clarity. Then all of a sudden- It was easy. But she didn't speak. She didn't want to ruin this moment, where she and Teddy could sit in apparent peace.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" Teddy finally asked exasperatedly.

"Because I don't have anything to say." responded Cristina. She rubbed her hands over her face and tried to breathe. "I don't have anything-I- I don't know."

"I thought you would defend him." Teddy said.

Cristina looked at her. "Why would I do that? I disagreed with what he did to you. I wanted to tell you but he stopped me. If were up to me- forget it."

"He's your _husband_." said Teddy urgently.

"Yeah yeah I know."

"He's your _husband."_ Teddy repeated. "If it were Henry and I- he was my husband, Cristina. I would burn this hospital to the ground, if it meant he would be alive right now. Can't you-" Teddy was reduced to a frustrated sigh. "I'm looking for your opinion on what Owen's thinking. please."

Cristina shifted uncomfortably.

"He's your husband." Teddy concluded.

"He wanted to spare you of any pain." Cristina said quietly. "He wasn't putting the hospital first. He was trying to save you. Even if it was for just a couple of hours… he wanted to spare you from any pain… " Cristina trailed off. Her words sinking in. "Your his best friend. You're his person. And- he wanted to save you."

Teddy didn't say anything. Cristina sniffled and wiped her nose harshly. She stood up.

"Damn his hero complex." Teddy muttered.

Cristina could only nod. She needed to find Owen.

* * *

Of course, it always came back to the vent. It was the center of their universe. It was everything.

 _Hate me as much-no_

Cristina hesitated in the doorway. He had his back turned to her. His hair was being blown in every direction by the warm air. His shirt was wrinkled. He didn't turn around. She stepped into the room and shut the door behind her. She clung to the handle.

Owen turned slightly. He seemed like he was going to say something. All the signs were there, but she watched as the words slipped back down his throat. He turned away again. Cristina deflated.

 _How did this happen?_

"Please" she heard herself say.

Her voice sounded strange filling up the room. It hit her. It had been nearly a month since they had last been here. And that time, they were living in blissful ignorance of their problems. The vent was once again filled with laughter and possibility. But now. Now the vent exposed a different side. A darker side. The very walls seemed to crack and peel to reflect the decay of Owen and Cristina's relationship.

"Don't hate me." her voice spoke again.

 _Hate me-no, don't hate me._

He was listening.

She was a surgeon. She didn't-

"I'm begging you." said Cristina. Her voice cracking. She attempted to control her face. Those words were hard enough to say. The vulnerability she displayed threatened to crack her open. She ached for him.

He turned around again. And his blue eyes which held so many wonders were wet with tears. She knew exactly what he was thinking. And she watched as he repeated her words in his head. It was a different kind of declaration than before. No less tremendous.

She approached him. Her legs trembling. She almost died today. She almost died without a goodbye. It was a blessing to be hurting so much. To feel every part of it. She reached out her arm and touched his heart. She felt it beat beneath his skin. Despite everything- the absence, the hurting, the aching, he was still warm. He was alive. He was still _her_ Owen. He gripped her forearm and their hands burned holes into each other straight through.

 _Don't hate me._

They had no answers. Nothing. But here. For a moment. They had forgiven each other. It didn't stop the hurting. It didn't take away all the unspoken resentment. It ripped them raw and open. Maybe they would never heal. But for once, they stood unencumbered and filled with devotion.

* * *

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment/review- they make my day!


	7. Home

CHAPTER 7: Home

Recommended Song for This Chapter: Home by Natalie Major

* * *

She woke up and stretched, her arm still a little stiff since being out of the sling. Owen was in the shower by the sound of it. She longed for the days that she would sneak in a join him. He washed her hair for her when her shoulder was injured but when he was done he walked away, still dressed. She knew he was being distant and attempting to keep a wall up. She knew it was because she left him. If it weren't for the plane crash she'd be in Minnesota and he would be here. It was just frustrating. Didn't he realize that this changed everything?

Cristina turned over in bed and buried her face in his pillows inhaling his scent. She had been thinking the last few days about what would have happened if she didn't have Owen. Who would have taken care of her? Meredith and Derek each had their own injuries. Callie had Mark and Arizona to worry about, not to mention her daughter who also required care. She supposed Alex might have stepped forward, but he would not have handled her as gently as Owen. She choked back tears. Owen, the man who loved her, who would never ever hurt her. But did. He was wearing the shame she had seen him wear after the choking a million years ago. And she just wanted to make it better. But she was not allowed. Because he needed to suffer, she thought hopelessly.

 _He deserves to suffer._

She wanted to mean it. How wonderful would it be to have a simple black and white situation. Owen cheated. He broke their wedding vows. He slept with and pleasured another woman. That should be enough. But she still cared about him. And these last few weeks had been torture. To see him caring so deeply for her but also so withdrawn. She could not take it.

She knew Owen must also be thinking about how torturous these last few weeks had been. He had to hold her while she had nightmares but he could not hold her for too long or else the tears from the nightmare would be tears about something else.

 _You're a selfish person_

She had heard him tell her that so many times and he was not wrong. She had sex with him knowing that she was leaving. That was cruel and wrong. But she didn't want to apologize or make nice. He slept with another woman. She just wanted her husband back even if it was only for an hour. Everything she ever thought about who he was, was gone, cracked, shattered. For a moment, Cristina let herself feel what she knew he must have felt when she got the abortion. Like your lover, your soulmate, your everything, had been planted as a cruel joke. A torture device.

She lay there hopeless until she felt a small pat on her good shoulder. She sat up. Owen was out of the shower and wearing her favorite blue button up. His hair was still wet and sticking up in odd places. His face was so lined and those lines deepened when he saw her tear tracks.

"Another nightmare?" He asked carefully.

Cristina just nodded hoping that he would hold her. But he didn't.

 _I'm losing him._

"Do you want me to stay here? I was going to drop by the hospital to see how Mark and Arizona were doing. But I'll only be a few hours." He assured her.

"Can I come with you?" she asked, her voice gravelly.

He looked unsure.

"Okay." he agreed eventually. He left her alone to shower and change since she could do it on her own now. She tried to be quick, knowing he was waiting. But it was not easy with her stupid arm. After a half-assed shower, she tried to wriggle into her sweater with great difficulty. She huffed and groaned as her elbow jammed itself into the sleeve trapping her. She knew Owen was watching her and her face turned red out of embarrassment.

 _I have no dignity._

She wanted to give up. She stopped struggling and tried to breath through the claustrophobic sweater. She was ready to start fighting the fabric again when she felt gentle hands reach under her sweater and remove her arm from the hole. She shivered and held her breath as his rough hands slid over her body and finally pulled her hand through the arm hole. Her head surfaced from the sweater. She was face to face with him. She wanted to kiss him.

He backed away. He knew it would be wrong.

"I'm ready." she said grabbing her purse on the nightstand.

She followed him down the stairs and into his truck. He held the door open for her and helped her buckle her seatbelt. She wanted to tell him-she wanted him. But another, angrier voice, silenced her cries.

 _He cheated._

He hopped into the driver's seat and took off. Cristina pressed play on the Jimmy Hendrix CD and the guitar filled up the dead space between them. _This was not okay_ , Cristina told herself.

 _He cheated._

 _I want to go home._

But she had no home. Owen was her home and he had shut the door in her face. Couldn't he understand she had to leave Seattle. Despite everything. The plane crash. She had to find a home on her own.

* * *

They pulled into her parking spot and she let Owen walk around to the passenger side and unbuckle her and help her out. She relished his touch knowing that it was one of the last times she would feel it.

 _Terrible things happen here._

Meredith was at the hospital, too. She was holding Derek's hand as the two of them watched Mark's monitor beep and the ventilator blow his lungs up and down.

"Cristina! How's the arm?" Callie asked on her way by.

"It's good." she said putting on a brave face.

"It's still stiff." Owen said quietly. She turned back to look at him. He just sighed. Defeated.

"Really? Why don't I take a look, since you're here. Mark didn't really put it back in place too well." Callie said absentmindedly.

Owen walked in the opposite direction to visit Arizona then most likely fill out some paperwork.

Cristina followed Callie dumbly. She was supposed to be in Minnesota.

"Take a seat." Callie gestured to the exam table.

Cristina obliged. She tried not to wince as Callie moved her arm back and forth and up and down.

"How's Arizona?" Cristina asked.

"She's-she's stable. Except for the leg. It's infected really bad. We don't have much longer until it moves into her organs. I don't-" Callie dropped Cristina's arm. "I don't know if I can fix it. But if I cut it off-if I-" she gasped tears threatening to fall. "If I cut it off I'll lose her forever. She'll never forgive me."

Cristina watched Callie and let her cry. With Arizona, Mark, and Sofia taking up her time, it must have been hard for Callie to have her own emotions. She thought of Owen who probably felt the same because of Cristina using up his time. Some days she wished it was her in the coma instead of Mark.

 _Terrible things happen here._

"I'm sorry." sniffled Callie. "You don't need to see this. I wasn't even on the plane. I'm being ungrateful because I get to keep my legs."

"Your best friend and your wife are dying." Cristina said bluntly. "You aren't being ungrateful."

Callie sniffled and finished her exam without another breakdown.

"You're getting function back which is probably why it's hurting. Just go slow with it and you should be fine in a few days. You are keeping up with your physical therapy right?"

"When can I go to Minnesota? I'm driving. I can't fly, obviously. And I need my arm."

"That's like three days of driving. Your arm's not ready for that." Callie said quickly.

"Are you saying that because you want me to stay? Or are you saying it to me as a doctor?"

"Both." said Callie fiercely "Your arm won't take it and then you'll be stranded in god knows where. You don't get to run away on us. You have to stay for Mark and for Arizona."

Cristina said nothing. It was not up to Callie whether she drove or not.

Callie ushered Cristina out and said something about the pit and left. Cristina went back to Mark's room. She wanted to talk to Meredith. She signaled from the nearby nurses station and Meredith hurried out.

"What is it?" Meredith asked urgently.

"Come by and help me pack? I should have been in Minnesota yesterday. Callie said I'm good to go."

"Seriously?" huffed Meredith looking to Derek who was sitting defeated. "Lexi is _dead_."

Cristina flinched.

"Mark is dying. Arizona is dying. Everyone is dying! I can't listen to you telling me you're leaving. I can't hear it." Meredith turned away hiding her tears. A few seconds later she walked back to Derek. Cristina felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach. Was she being ridiculous? She nearly died and here she was emotionless as she was on her first day of residency.

Meredith could not understand. She needed to get out of Seattle. She had to get away from it before it consumed her.

* * *

"Cristina… I still don't think this is a good idea." Owen said for the thousandth time. Cristina just rolled her eyes. Her arm had improved considerably and she was able to lift most of the boxes on her own. She was leaving a lot of things behind, but that was okay because she would just buy new. Most of the things she was taking were books. She had lugged them around since med school. They were the things she felt she could not leave behind.

"Cristina would you just talk with me."

"So now you want to talk?" Cristina snapped. She continued her path into the living room to fetch another box.

"What is that supposed to mean? You've barely let me get one word in since we got home."

 _This isn't my home._

"You knew I was leaving, Owen. You signed my transfer papers."

"That was before." argued Owen.

Cristina dropped another box off by the stairs. Meredith was down at the car loading up another pile. The door was open. There was a nice breeze washing through the loft. She doubted that her friend could hear Owen talking.

"Before the plane crash?" Cristina scoffed. "Owen, I'm alive. I need my life to keep moving forward. I can't be here."

"I just worry about you-"

Cristina huffed. She placed her hands on her hips. She was angry. She had no idea where it was coming from it was practically boiling out of her skin. She was furious at him. At the plane crash. At the cheating. She was on fucking fire.

"Worry about me?!" Cristina laughed. "You slept with another _woman_ , Owen. I am hurting. But not because of any stupid plane crash or the shoulder. Because of _you_." She seethed venom at him.

He recoiled. He turned away.

"Cristina." he was afraid.

 _He deserves it._

"You _want_ me to leave. You do!" Cristina taunted.

"I never said that!" Owen spun around.

"All this time you've been taking care of me. Knowing that eventually I'd be out of sight-"

"Don't tell me that you were actually going to stay! You never change your mind. It's the most frustrating thing about you!" He demanded.

"You made it abundantly clear that you were _done_ -" Cristina pushed past him to get the last box. He beat her to it. Facing her he proclaimed:

"I know that I hurt you. Can't you see that? You told me you can't forgive me. I'm-I can't do anything about that!" He balled his fist but kept it at his side.

"So you thought shooing me out the door to Mayo or Columbia would help that?!"

"Why don't you admit that _you_ want to leave?" He challenged. "admit that you're not going to forgive me! That _you_ think it's over!"

Cristina seethed. "We are not talking about this. I'm going to Mayo because it's what I want and it's what I need."

"But you want me to ask you to stay… it's so selfish. As your _husband..._ don't you understand-"

Cristina flinched at the word 'husband'. It had been so long since Owen had said the word. It used to mean the world. It meant security, possibility, love. But now it carried too much baggage. Too many stories. She anticipated the question. She briefly fantasized what she would do if he just asked her to stay. How those four little letters would change everything. Like a magic spell.

"I can't tell you that." Owen said running his hand through his hair. "That can't be your story, Cristina."

"I love you." she retreated to the couch. "These last few weeks all I've wanted to do is go home but I can't. Because of what you did. What we both did. I could have been dead and the last thing I said to you was 'I'm leaving'. And I can't get out of it." Cristina wiped her face and broke eye contact. "I can't get out."

 _Terrible things happen here._

"Cristina." Owen took her hand. She stared at their hands. His holding tightly onto her limp one. "I'm not trying to save myself by telling you to go. I'm trying to save you. This is the only way I can love you right now. Cristina, please. Can't you see? I'll tell you a thousand times to stay but in the end you should go." He swallowed hard.

She withdrew her hand.

"Cristina? You about done up there?" Meredith poked her head in.

Almost mechanically. Cristina sprang to action. She lifted the last box and sped out of the firehouse. She heard Owen protesting but she shut it out.

 _Terrible things happen here._

* * *

Thank you for reading! I know you all wanted some happy

I know you all wanted some happy Crowen but so much of season 8 is an angst fest and it would not do them justice to leave it out... more happiness next chapter!

Please Comment/Review 3


	8. The Woman Who Never Changes

CHAPTER 8: The Woman Who Never Changes

Recommended Song For This Chapter: You and Me by You+Me

* * *

"I don't know. She's back. Really back."

"Is she working again? Is she-"

"Derek I don't know. She doesn't talk to me."

"I'll ask Hunt about it." Derek said while zipping up his coat.

"She hasn't gone to see him." Meredith said.

"Didn't she come back for him?"

"I don't know." Meredith repeated. The rest of the conversation was too quiet for Cristina to listen to. She wrapped her arms around her legs. Surely Owen knew she was back. He knew she was coming to work at Seattle Grace again. But he had not contacted her. Granted, neither had she. But it frustrated her. Part of her was afraid that he had found out about her and Dr. Parker. Even though they weren't together, they were married. He broke the marriage first then Cristina broke it again. She flopped onto her back and tried to fall asleep.

She had barely started to drift off when the door opened again. Derek was back.

"You asked him?" She heard Meredith accuse.

"He shut the door in my face." Derek sighed.

Cristina was confused. The hospital and the firehouse were about ten minutes away. No way had Derek driven all the way there and back in so short a time.

"Did he say anything about her coming back to work?" Meredith inquired.

"No. He just said he'd drop off the bill for the trailer next week then shut the door in my face." Derek replied.

He was in the trailer? Why wasn't he home?

 _Because of me._

* * *

 _Now I see why you pushed so hard for her._

She looked at Owen surprised. He looked sheepish and followed Russell out of the room. He looked like Owen. _Her Owen._ Cristina wanted to kiss him right then.

His hands ran down her skin leaving a trail of fire like he was touching her for the first time. When she came she felt her heart undo itself. Like the weight, the pressure, the knot that was embedded so deeply had resolved itself. She wanted to remember this moment. No matter what happened next. The world could end. As long as she was holding him she didn't care.

It was exhausting pretending not to want him. Trying to keep her face from appearing disappointed by their short conversations. She wanted all of him.

 _I wanted to try again_

Their lives moved forward. They still were not living together. They weren't husband and wife anymore. But they could kiss and touch and fuck and that was good enough for now. That was appropriate. But as the days stretched on Cristina still felt like she was missing parts of him. That his trust was not all the way there. And she understood why he hesitated, why he held himself back. He didn't want to be left again.

* * *

They were laying in their favorite on-call room, basking in the glow of another successful round of love making. Cristina felt tears fill her eyes and she knew why. She felt so loved. More loved than she ever had before. Owen had no reason to still be with her. She left him. She broke their marriage vows and so did he. But he was still here, his arm thrown over her waist and face buried in her hair. He appeared to be asleep.

"I love you." Cristina said quietly. He stirred but did not wake. She felt a sudden urge to tell him, make it clear to him in case they broke up and he never knew.

"Owen." Cristina reached over and patted his shoulder. He rolled over.

"What? Is there a trauma?"

"No I just-" Cristina bit her lip. She hesitated.

"What is it?" Owen sat up warily.

Cristina fiddled with the sheets around her shoulders. She propped herself up on the bed looking at him intently now. She felt foolish almost for needing him to hear her. But she wanted him to know how happy she was to have him back again. Wanted to tell him that she missed him every single day she was gone. And that even though she didn't say it as often as he did.

 _I love you._

"I'm sorry I left you."

"Cristina-" Owen flopped back down.

"I thought I was doing what was right."

"Cristina. Can we just-." said Owen, grimly.

"I did things wrong, too." Cristina pushed on. "And I… I don't want to do things wrong again. I still don't want to have a-or be a-… but I made it harder." Cristina continued quietly. Owen didn't say anything. She knew he was thinking about the abortion. The thing they could never talk about. And maybe they were just having sex hoping with all their might that that small point in their timeline was in the past. She may lose him all over again.

"I still loved you every day. Even when I didn't want to." Cristina whispered. "I don't want you to think that this is because I feel guilty or- I… I think I _forgive_ you for cheating-".

"Can we not talk about that, Cristina?" Owen pleaded.

"No. We have to talk about things." Cristina huffed. She turned a little to make eye contact. "We can't screw this up again."

Owen just blinked up at her.

"You've changed." Owen observed tightening the hold around her. She shivered.

Cristina. The woman who never changed. The woman who was resolute and sure. She had changed. Maybe Meredith was right.

"I didn't want to change. " Cristina said more to herself. "I was scared. I still am. I've never loved someone as much as i love you." The words sounded strange coming out of her mouth. Sappy, girly, and so unlike her. Yet she felt her eyes fill with tears at the honesty. Owen sat up, speechless.

"I love you, too." Owen said earnestly.

"You don't have to say it back." Cristina said running her hands over his cheek.

"I mean it. Even when I hated you. You're my home." Owen said firmly.

Now it was Cristina's turn to be floored. She leaned back down and kissed him. Hard.

That was not the first time Cristina showed affection. She tried to be better than she was. Maybe she was hoping things would fall apart with Owen even after they got married. As if that would stop her from falling for Owen hopelessly and completely. She was trying to make things work. Trying to listen. Trying to be there. And the more she did, the more she fell in love with Owen. If that were possible. She had months to make up for, and she didn't plan on wasting them.

* * *

Sorry for the delay in updating! Thank you for reading!


	9. Anyone But Me

CHAPTER 9: Anyone Else But Me

Recommended Song For This Chapter: Sense of home by Harrison Storm

* * *

"Do you ever think about him?"

The hallway outside of the ER was quiet, which was odd at this hour. But Cristina was grateful for a moment alone with Owen. Back here, her hours were almost worse than before or maybe she had stopped seeing the glory in peeing a diaper. She wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. She just knew she wanted him. She had given up trying to be scared by that fact. Meredith didn't understand, she never would. Owen could have been a McDreamy in another life but she would never have fallen in love with that man.

"Huh?"

"Burke." Owen said through gritted teeth. She chuckled. Owen never met the guy but he couldn't help but hate him.

"Sometimes. And you don't have to hate him. _I_ don't."

"I know. That's why I have to hate him. Because you won't."

Cristina rolled her eyes. "I mean sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't." Owen looked confused. "Ugh don't make me talk about my feelings."

"Ok. What do you want to talk about?" Owen said squeezing her hand. "We've got five glorious minutes."

"Do you ever think about Beth?"

" _Wow_."

Cristina laughed. "Tell me."

"No, Cristina, I don't."

" _Sure_ you don't." Cristina sarcastically.

"I mean- at first, of course I did. But now- I feel like a different person."

There was a pause as a nurse pushed an empty stretcher past them.

"Yeah. Me, too. I guess."

Owen just smiled at the wall in front of them. He squeezed her hand.

"What about Teddy?" Cristina rebounded quickly.

"God, Cristina! Okay I won't ever ask about Burke again. Can we stop this?" Owen laughed throwing his hands up in mock surrender.

"I can't help that you've had more exes than me."

"Oh come on that isn't exactly fair. You've done plenty of people-"

"I didn't date them." Cristina shook her head. "I didn't date back then."

"Fine." Owen smiled and returned his hand to its resting position on top of hers. "Just trust me when I say- I'm happy with you. I don't think or wonder about anyone else. _Especially_ not Beth or Teddy."

"There really hasn't been anyone else but me, has there?" Cristina said her eyes widening. Suddenly she felt very old. Then guilt hit her like a train.

"Nope." Owen sighed.

Cristina bit her lip. "I need to tell you something. I don't want to tell you this. I have to though."

"Okay…" Owen said and he failed to keep the trepidation out of his voice. Cristina hesitated again. She was suddenly petrified. Would honestly be worth it. She already could imagine the look on his face. "Cristina, just say it."

"When I was gone, I slept with someone else. Dr. Parker. He was the cardio head."

Owen pulled his hand out from hers, immediately crossing his arms in a defensive position.

"Owen…" Cristina tried to stay calm. "It-We were basically-we never said it but-" Cristina couldn't keep the desperation out of her voice and fell silent. None of this would make Owen feel any better. Her heart banged against her chest in some futile attempt to make her fight harder- to change what she had done.

"I'm really trying not to get mad." Owen said quietly. "I need to get to my shift." He walked away and she could tell just by the flexing of his shoulders that he was hurt.

"Fuck." Cristina sighed.

 _There really hasn't been anyone else but me..._

* * *

Cristina didn't see Owen for the rest of the day and couldn't help but glance at the OR clock intermittently between stitching. Owen was leaving at 7pm tonight, thanks to April now being able to take his late shifts. He promised her dinner when she got to the trailer. Would that offer still stand?

"In a hurry?" one of the scrub nurses commented on the tenth look.

"No-" Cristina snapped getting back to her work. She never got distracted. Cristina Yang did not get distracted. "More suction, Wilson."

Two hours later the patient was stitched up and Cristina was changed into her work clothes. She lingered for a few minutes in the locker room and debated running away with Meredith. But Meredith was probably home already taking care of her kid. Cristina felt another pang that reminded her of her age. She had aged horribly. No looks wise of course. But when she looked back _she_ was the one who look screwed up and Meredith was the one who had such a bad track record. Part of her resented her friend for giving in to the domestic bliss crap but now she wondered if she was just afraid to be the only twisted sister.

Collecting herself she walked out of the hospital. She walked confidently towards her motorcycle which had been parked there for days, but something blue out of the corner of her eye stopped her. She turned and saw Owen staring at her next to his blue pick up. He approached her slowly. She braced herself.

"I was mad-"

Cristina opened her mouth

"No-just let me say this." Owen stopped her. "I was mad but it was for all the wrong reasons. You don't owe me anything Cristina."

"I-thank you." Cristina said though she still felt so guilty. "Owen-I wasn't doing because-"

"Please." Owen said grasping her shoulders "Let's just move forward. I'm not mad anymore. So please don't feel guilty. Just-Just come home with me, please." Owen whispered.

"You don't want to talk about this? Hash it out?"

"No."

"And it won't come up again? I want to believe you, but we've done this before."

"I promise. I won't hold this against you."

 _What about the… baby?_

 _What about the baby?_

 _I have to ask him._

"Okay." is all she says

* * *

Thank you for reading!

PS: I'm sorry for the delay


	10. All We've Ever Been

CHAPTER TEN: All We've Ever Been

Recommended Song for this Chapter: Anchor by Novo Amor

* * *

Tonight was different. Cristina could feel tension in the air tonight. Owen had waited for a couple of hours for her to get out of surgery but it had run long, so he went back to the trailer alone. She sent him an apology text right before she scrubbed in on her last case of the day and hoped he would not be mad. She had to shake herself- this was Owen, not Burke. She didn't have to worry about him being mad or punishing her when she got home. No, she was just terrified to disappoint him and that was somehow more scary than with Burke.

 _My dear…_

She sped home on the bike, groaning at her inevitable helmet hair. The roads were clear luckily and when she finally reached the top of the hill, the sun was disappearing behind the mountains.

 _All we've ever been…_

"Owen?" She swung her leg over and looked around. His truck was here, but the light in the trailer was out. Could he be sleeping? "Owen?"

"Cristina?" Owen appeared behind her. She nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Damnit, you scared the crap out of me."

 _I went in circles somewhere else..._

"Sorry." He smiled boyishly. She scowled in response. "I was on a walk with Shepard."

"You and Derek went _walking_?" She snorted at the image.

"Hey- I have friends." He laughed.

"Yeah yeah. Anyways. Sorry I took so long. Carev took forever on his kid's shunt so I got behind."

"It's okay." He said and she found no reason to doubt him.

He pushed open the door of the trailer and let her slump on the sofa. He ducked under the divider to the bedroom to change clothes. Cristina fiddled with the drawers under the cushion. A lot of Owen's random knick knacks rolled around inside them. Pulling one open, She spotted his dog tags and his old deck of cards. And in one drawer a piece of paper. Looking behind her, seeing that Owen was still out of site, she picked it up. It was an ultrasound. She knew exactly what it was of. Her eyes immediately filled with tears and terror flooded her. She shoved it back into the drawer and shut it quickly.

 _All we've ever been..._

"So are you hungry?" Owen said coming back. "I bought some salmon. I can cook that up real quick."

"Yeah sure!" Cristina said in far too chipper of a voice.

"Okay." he said slightly suspicious. He pulled out the pan and stood over the tiny stove.

Cristina burst into tears. Overwhelmed by the image of him here. He wanted a big family. A big house. How did he end up in this trailer with her? Her body shook beyond her control. She couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Cristina!" he said rushing to her side. He pushed back her hair and attempted to wipe away her tears. "What's wrong? What-"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She said hysterically. "I'm sorry, Owen. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?" Owen breathed "For what?"

"For-" She ripped open the drawer and thrust the photo into his lap. She immediately tucked her hands under her legs as if she could stop herself from bringing him pain. As if their pain worked that way.

 _I hear your storm is coming in..._

"Oh, _Cristina_." He said looking down at the photo. He moved away from her, holding it to his chest away from her view. "I didn't- you- I didn't want you to see that."

"Why? It's mine." She sniffed. "I mean- It's my fault."

"Fault? It doesn't work like that, Cristina." Owen said crumpling the page slightly in his hand

 _My dear, all we've ever been..._

"Doesn't it?" she sniffed as more tears leaked from her eyes "It was me. Not you. That's why _you_ can keep it in your drawer."

"I…" he tried to protest but he just found himself looking at the picture again. He was embarrassed, ashamed. "I probably shouldn't have kept it." He walked back towards her to put it back in the drawer. Cristina literally recoiled as he approached, afraid to be near the paper. She stood up and moved away from the sofa all together.

 _Talk to me, love…_

She wiped her eyes furiously. "I'm sorry, Owen."

"You don't need to be sorry. It's- it's in the past."

"But you still have the picture. You still think we'll have one- unless you're just torturing yourself."

"I'm not- It's- It was on impulse. I don't ever look at it, but it's like- I like to know it's there." Owen said quietly.

"Why?" Cristina said crossing her arms her voice still shaking. "Why would you want to be reminded-"

"Cristina…" warned Owen. "I don't want to talk about this. I'm sorry you found it, but-"

"I want to know." she argued her voice cracking.

 _You went in search of someone else..._

"It's- yeah it's a painful memory but it can be a happy one too. I know you never thought of it as… a baby-" he whispered the last part. Cristina bristled more tears falling down her face. "But it was an important part of me. It will always be ours. Can you understand that?"

"You want a family."

"Cristina-"

"You want more."

"Cristina-" he raised his hand to signal her to stop "If you try and break up with me I'm going to lose it."

"You want a family!" Cristina plowed on shaking from head to toe "I've seen how this goes, Owen. Five years- ten years? Maybe I'll give in and give you a child and it will drive a wedge inside me. Please, Owen."

"Cristina. I don't need a baby. You're my family. The only family I need." Owen replied with a rising tone of desperation.

"Owen…"

"I don't know how I can convince you. But I'll do anything. _Anything_ not to lose you again."

She hugged her body retreating from his beseeching figure.

 _I hear your ship is coming in..._

"You say it now."

"Cristina-"

"You say it now but you'll want more from me."

"Cristina-"

"We get comfortable, Owen! You start thinking that maybe I've changed enough that I could be convinced- but I'm sorry. I can't do that."

"You think those months… I was not comfortable."

Cristina said nothing. Her back sliding against the cool wall of the trailer until she was on the floor. His voice pulled her like an anchor.

"Cristina- please. I need you to understand." He approached her, sitting on the arm of the sofa looking down at her "I knew you didn't want a child. I knew that. I never tried to get you pregnant, but when you did-" his voice caught for a moment but he pushed through "I just thought that maybe we had a chance for you to truly consider it. I was wrong for thinking that- I was hurt because I thought you hadn't considered my dream. That you didn't know that we could do it. We could have made it work. And I don't want you to feel bad. That's not what I'm trying to do. But- Cristina? Please- do you understand?"

 _Anchor up to me, love..._

Cristina stood up from the wall, now looking down at Owen, she placed her hands on his slumped shoulders.

"I imagine it. I imagine it all the time. Our child would be so like you. He would grow up to be a great surgeon and make us both proud…" This was torture to admit and torture to vocalize. It was like making it more and more real. "I try to make myself want it every day. Believe me- I knew what I was sacrificing. It's a beautiful future. It's just not mine."

Owen met her gaze, eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

"But it can be yours." Cristina whispered.

 _Anchor up to me, love..._

This time Owen said nothing just wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in. With his face buried in her neck, he said clearly, "Not without you."

So here they were. Bumper cars on a collision course. Cristina wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe he could be happy but she had a sinking feeling in her chest imagining him growing old with her and looking at a thirty-year-old ultrasound photo and hating her. And somehow that was more painful than the image of him with another woman and three screaming children and a big house with a big yard. She pulled him off her and kissed him with every ounce of everything she had left. She could practically hear their time winding down in the background.

 _Anchor up to me, love..._

 _my love..._

* * *

Thank you for reading!

I love reading all your reviews 3


	11. Growing Pains

CHAPTER 11: Growing pains

Recommended Song for This Chapter: Don't Forget About Me by CLOVES

* * *

Cristina observed him from the hallway into the ER. How many times has she stood here in the last five years watching him, wondering why she's drawn to him, why it always hurts. She still felt the ghost of his hands on her body, promises he made into her ear while he was still inside her that now rung loudly in her mind. It wasn't fair. She knew she had to be the one to push him away. She knew it wasn't in him to do it. All her life, she had to be the strong one.

 _Without you there's holes in my soul_

He could go forward, hating her if he wanted. He could surrender his autonomy, claim that he always loved her and didn't want to break up. This was torture, didn't he understand that? To watch him move on and meet someone new. Some new woman who would come to hate Cristina, because she would never understand this sacrifice. She loved with abandonment. Cristina was getting ahead of herself, but sometimes she couldn't help it. The images would swarm to the forefront of her mind, blinding her to any other worries.

 _I just need to know_

Still some days, like today, she would look at him and feel only love. Almost sisterly or something more distant and less intense. That part of her wanted Owen to be happy above all and she knew that wasn't with her.

 _That you won't forget about me_

Summoning her courage, she walked into the ER and approached the call counter which he was leaning against.

"Got any new cases?" She said casually. She mirrored his positioning, leaning over the desk slightly watching the monitor for incoming calls. There were only two people in the ER, both low priorities.

Owen turned to look at her and surprise flitted across his face. He didn't expect that Cristina would have full conversations with him at this point. It was still so fresh. But that was thing about Cristina, she was always doing the opposite of what he expected. He was still hurting, surely she had to be too…

"What? I'm bored." She supplied her reasoning.

"I thought you had a surgery today." Owen said casually.

"I did." Cristina nodded trying to maintain eye contact with his forehead. "But that isn't until 7 so I don't have anything to do."

"Well, if there was one, I'd steal it for myself." Owen winked before walking off. Cristina felt the urge to follow him. Will she always feel this incomplete?

"What are you looking at?" She demanded the nurse working the phone who was staring at Cristina with a pitying look in her eye. The woman's eyes widened. She seemed affronted, but Cristina didn't care. She hated to be pitied. Cristina walked off before she could get a response, figuring she would head back up to the ICU to check on her patient.

* * *

"You started a dating profile for me?" Owen demanded when Cristina showed him some of his matches.

"Yeah. I was bored." Cristina said refraining from adding "so what."

"I can find dates just fine on my own." Owen shook his head.

"But you haven't!" Cristina sighed exasperatedly. She followed him as he darted into an empty conference room to escape.

"I'm taking my time." Owen bleated.

"You don't have to respond to these requests, but I figured I'd make it easier for you. I sifted through all of the matches, some of them were just pathetic. I know you and-"

"It's inappropriate." Owen snapped. Cristina recoiled.

"Sure thing, boss." Cristina said harshly. Owen shook his head, regretting his words.

"You're my… ex-wife, Cristina. You shouldn't be doing this. It's just- it's just hurting yourself more."

Cristina shrugged trying to seem unbothered. "It's not. I made us break up. You could do me a favor and at least use your freedom for something."

"Freedom?" Owen scoffed. He looked to Cristina to amend her statement but she didn't. They both knew they weren't free. "I'm not going to get married to the first woman I meet."

"Well then you better get cracking." Cristina said brandishing her phone in Owen's face again. He grabbed her wrist and took the phone, but did not let go. Cristina squirmed feeling heat rising to her cheeks. Owen set the phone down on the table and turned his attention back to Cristina. "What?" She said, her voice giving away some of her anticipation- excitement maybe?

 _Is there more than we can see?_

"When you imaging yourself. 40-50 years down the line. And you're old and you can't perform surgery anymore-"

"Hey!" Cristina interrupted to tell him she would always be able to perform surgery, that she would never stop. It was the love of her life, not him.

"When you can't hold the scalpel even if you wanted to. When you're _that_ old… who do you see yourself sitting next to?"

"Meredith." Cristina answered quickly. She tried to pry her hand from his grasp but he was unwavering. She knew he could feel her pulse quicken and she hated it.

"Meredith will be with Derek and Zola and Bailey."

"Fine then I'll die alone!" Cristina shot back finally prying her hand away. "Is that what you're trying to get at?"

"That's not what I'm trying to say."

"What then?" Cristina huffed crossing her arms. She was trying so hard to be put together and okay. It wasn't fair for him to come in and make her lie and hurt more.

"I still see you." Owen said staring at her intensely. His blue eyes. God, his blue eyes were always so piercing. She would never get over it. He would always be that army guy who pulled her icicle out. She always felt the same rush of adrenaline when he looked at her. "And I know-" Owen continued taking a step forward. "That you still see me."

"I…" Cristina struggled to take a step away from him and not towards him. She wanted to lie so badly and tell him she didn't, but she didn't. Not because it would hurt his feelings. He would know it was untrue. She shook where she stood. It took so much to hold the pieces together. "It doesn't change what I said before."

"I know." Owen drops his shoulders a little "But it means that somewhere down the line, you and I know we are going to be old and grey together. And I don't think another woman will ever change that for me."

"Owen…" Cristina shook her head "You can't think that. You have to believe that-"

"But you don't?" He said frowning "You don't seem intent on meeting someone new. Dating. But I have to?"

"Because that's you!" Cristina threw her hands up. "You're that guy. You're the one who wants the white picket fence and the dog and the kids. So go do that thing. I'm not that girl. I never have been. I didn't think I'd ever marry _anyone._ And then I married you and I still think i'm never going to get married anyone again."

"And I can't feel that way? I can't be a little unconventional?" Owen argued. Cristina could see the desperation in his eyes. He was still fighting. She could tell he probably thought about this conversation for a while. A way to get her off his back.

"I'm sorry, Owen. I'm really not trying to hurt you or accuse you of being slow… I want you to be happy. And that's the thing that's going to always be true. I don't know what will happen when I get old, but I know that I'll be at peace if you're happy."

 _And I get lonely without you_

"I don't feel happy." Owen whispered.

 _And I can't move on_

"Not yet." Cristina replied trying to be diplomatic. Her shaking hand picked up the phone off the table and pulled it in towards her chest. "I'll back off. Give you more time. I just-" Cristina hugged herself "I wanted to feel better and I thought if you were back out there that this would be okay."

"Can't we just…" Owen searched for the words but there was nothing there. He would be searching for an entire lifetime just to come up with a solution. Cristina knew, she tried before. All those nights when she was preparing to end things with him. She thought herself into a spiral of fantasies.

 _I just need to know_

"I should get to surgery." Cristina said after a long pause. Owen just nodded. She bolted from the room, eager to enter the solace of the OR.

 _That you won't forget about me_

* * *

Hi Everyone! Thank you so much for reading! I know that I am slow to update so I appreciate you sticking with me.

Please comment/review! I read every single one and they motivate me to keep writing. Don't worry there will be more chapters leading up to Cristina's goodbye and an epilogue maybe? :P


	12. The Outside

CHAPTER 12: The Outside

Recommended Song For This Chapter: I don't want to lose you by Lucas Fogale

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Emma. What kind of name was that. Every letter burnt her tongue. E- M- M- A. Only four letters and one of them was repeated. How lame was that? Cristina, now that was like… eight letters. Full of consonants. Hard sounds. Yet it was Emma and her four letters that left with Owen. Owen was four letters too. It was too perfect. Emma and Owen. They sounded like brother and sister when you thought of it.

 _You know things could be so easy if you'd let them_

Maybe she should have taken up Richy Rich's offer. What was his name anyways? Jonnathan or Eric? Something dumb and easily forgettable. But he did make her feel nice. Even though it was fleeting and superficial. It had been a long time since she felt so carefree. It was nice to have someone eating out of her palm, not because of surgery or medicine, but just her. She tried to fathom a world where she and Owen would have ever worked out if not for medicine. Some days- it felt like that was the only thing they had in common. Would she have been attracted to him if he hadn't gone all badass in the trauma room?

 _I don't wanna lose you now- or ever_

Shaking her head, Cristina pushed open the door into the locker room. She saw her reflection in the mirror. God- how long had it been since she'd worn a full face of make up? She looked like a painting. Taken by her reflection, she approached the mirror and rested her hands on the basin of the sink. She took a good long look at her reflection. She didn't usually care how she looked. She woke up, washed her face, brushed her teeth, and ran out the door. Now, she noticed the scar on her forehead from the plane crash, some of the new wrinkles in the corner of her eyes, and her frowning lips. She was getting _old_. This realization pressed on her like a ten ton weight. Where has the time gone? Cristina liked to think time stood still in the OR. She hardly ever looked at the clock when she worked. It was like she was at a fixed point and everything was happening around her. But clearly, even ten years in the OR couldn't stop the aging.

 _No, I don't wanna lose you now_

She looked at her hands now. They didn't look any different. Maybe there was a new vein popping out but they were still her hands. Her magical hands. Her everything.

 _Or ever_

When you think about it, it's truly a lonely existence. Cristina and her hands against the world. Against death, against illness, against suffering. Her own heart, beat inside her chest, _onwards_. She knew it's muscles must be growing tired, it's circuit failing year by year. One day it would stop. She knew this. She understood this. She had felt hearts stop.

She turned on the tap and hastily wiped off as much makeup as she could. She didn't bring any makeup remover with her, so she just let the bronze, black and red run down the drain. Finally it was clear again. She wiped the water off on a pair of clean scrubs that were sitting near the sink. And started to undress. The dress she wore tonight was tight. Unzipping it was a nightmare but she managed to pull it down until the zip was in reach. This was not how she thought tonight would go. She thought someone else would be taking it off her. If not Owen then some other attractive interesting man. But there were none to be found. It seemed Owen stood alone in that regard. He probably always would. But she promised not to be selfish and along with that she promised not to be sad about it. She didn't even cry as she stopped out of the fabric and into loose jeans and a long sleeve sweater.

She heard movement down the hall. Someone wandering around. She tensed up- it was like instinct- ever since the shooting- the plane- she couldn't help it. The fear came so easily. She took her bag from the locker and walked over to the door. Looking out the window she saw a woman pacing outside in the hallway. Odd. No one should be down here, especially this late.

She opened the door. "Ma'am?"

"Oh- I'm sorry. I'm lost."

"That's okay." Cristina said studying the woman's anxious face. "Are you here for someone?"

"Uh… Yes. But I'm not really sure where to find him. He's my- my ex husband. He had a bad fall and he had some- some internal bleeding, I think."

"Right." Cristina said. "He's probably in ICU. I can take you up there if you want."

The woman bounced on the balls of her feet but she made no move to follow Crisitina towards the elevators.

"Ma'am?" Cristina tried again. "It's alright. Close relatives are allowed to visit at night."

"I just- I don't think he'd want to see me." She looked torn, staring at the elevator then the floor and back again.

"I see." Cristina said sensing the woman was about to unleash a whole tirade, which Cristina would like to avoid.

"I couldn't help myself. When I heard what happened I just came here without thinking. It's been three months since the divorce but I guess… I haven't changed."

"You should go and see him. With any luck he'd be asleep." Cristina offered.

"Right. Right." The woman hesitated, bouncing incessantly. Finally she took a step forward. Cristina clicked the up button on the elevator and the two women waited in silence.

"Thank you." The woman said as the elevator doors chimed open.

"Of course."

"Are you a doctor?"

"Surgeon." Cristina said.

"Wow."

The comment didn't cause the usual warmth that Cristina was used to. Cristina studied the woman more closely. The brightness of the elevator contrasted the dark corridor and now Cristina could see- the woman really did come right away. She was still in her sleep wear. She was young. Too young to have an ex husband. Too young for the tears

"What if he's awake and he doesn't want to see me?" The woman whispers. Cristina is taken aback. How was she supposed to know?

"At least you care." Cristina said simply.

There was another pause.

"It was my fault. I cheated on him." She whispered the secret to Christina.

The door chimed open again and the woman shuffled out of the elevator. Cristina followed her. She went to the nurses station which only had one occupant this late.

"Hi- I'm Dr. Yang from cardio. I have a woman here who'd like to see her husband. He was admitted a few hours ago into the ICU."

"Of course. Who's the patient?" The nurse named Nancy asked.

"Name?" Cristina turned to the woman.

"Trevor Martin."

"T. Martin. He's in room 409. I can show you." The nurse hopped down off her seat and led the way. For some reason, Cristina followed. Maybe she was bored. Maybe she was curious. Something about this woman interested her. Christina watched the woman approach the door. There was a moment of hesitation, maybe only Christna would notice that small movement. Her back foot holding position- ready to pivot.

 _There's something in the way you walk_

"Katelyn?" Christina heard the man speak. "Is that you?"

 _As if you got a broken wing_

"I'm here, Trev." Katelyn whispered. Cristina crept towards the door, and peered through the gap in the curtains. "I know you might not want to see me right now, especially after everything that happened. But I just had to see that you were okay. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't okay."

"Stop talking." The man groaned He didn't say anything for a moment, looking at Katelyn. Searching for familiarity. _Don't_. Cristina wanted to tell him. _Don't fall into her arms you don't belong there._ "I don't want to talk about **it** anymore."

Katelyn nodded quickly, taking a step back. But she was stopped by her husband who whispered-

"I don't want you to go either."

 _I don't wanna lose you now_

And just like that- all the friction in the air stopped. And Katelyn threw herself at her husband. The man she loved and she held onto him like a promise. _One she could keep._

Cristina looked away at that point, walking quickly down the hallway. She needed another drink. She needed a long shower, she needed the last five years back. What happened to her and owen? Someone had robbed something from her- she was not like Katelyn or Trevor. At one point, she would have prided herself on that. Looked down on them, knowing she was better for being on the outside. But she wasn't.

 _I don't wanna lose you now_

Since she was a little girl she was always on the outside. People called her weird or a robot and it never got to her because maybe- maybe she hoped that fairy tales could happen to robots, too. That happily ever after could happen to "Christina Yang MD, PhD", too. But what did she have for all her hoping? She was alone.

 _Or ever_

And for the first time, Owen felt truly gone

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Thank you for all of the wonderful reviews for Bumper Cars 3 (Beth, CrowenMD, COforlife, Mike Burn, Olya-la, and other faithful readers). I started writing this fic to process my own feelings about Crowen and I'm so happy to see others enjoying it. I try to update when I can, which usually means during my breaks from school or when the inspiration hits. The encouragement really motivates me to keep going. Thank you for your patience!


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